Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
