ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
