They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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