I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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