i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i think my cat just said my name.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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