STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
