i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
