i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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