In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Can I color on your dick again?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How does one acquire holy water?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
