Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
