the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
