there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize