also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
