My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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