You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
