I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
