who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
