Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
