P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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