Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
