the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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