I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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