Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
