Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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