Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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