Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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