i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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