I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
