Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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