Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
