why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
