If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
