i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
