im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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