The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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