She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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