She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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