I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
