Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
