I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
