Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
