im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
