I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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