gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
