I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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