The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
