alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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