One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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