Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
