I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
