So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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