I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
