mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
