you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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