If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
