i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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