Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize