i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
