In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
