i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
