she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
