My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
