So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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