And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
