yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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